Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Guilt

The one thing that is taking up a lot of my time and a lot of space in my mind is guilt. I don't know when it started but I am now aware that I don't feel like I'm doing enough. My responsibilities here at CB are split between helping at the baby house and teaching a fitness class. I am still taking Spanish classes on my weekends off so I try to study as much as possible as well.
At this point, it is really tempting to write a list of all the things I am doing here at Casa Bernabe to prove to you that I am not just sitting around taking naps all day. I am not going to make that list because I would be falling into the same trap that occurs several times a day. Trying to prove to myself that I am making a difference and wanting to make sure the people here know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
The reality is there is no accountability here. The house parents to my knowledge won't be reporting my help or lack of help to the director. The director won't be reporting to Eternal (my church at home). We aren't collecting data on the children's progress to  determine if my help is affecting their growth and development. It is obvious I teach a dance class because I teach it in the main commons area. There is no data to prove that I work or to prove my work here is beneficial. Therefore I can't prove to myself or others that I am doing anything.
 Ok. I can't prove that I am doing anything so on to my next thought. What is the source of this feeling? Guilt is typically something felt when you sin. In this case, I am not aware of my sin if that is the root of this issue. During this time of feeling guilty, I have been wondering if I am being used in the best ways for how God has prepared me for this adventured. I know from experience that sometimes periods of discomfort, even guilt, helps you move in a different direction. Another idea of the source of my guilt, is that there is an unspoken problem between myself and the house parents of the baby house. They don't like that I am teaching the fitness class because I'm not working/playing with the kids for about 3 hours each day.
When I first arrived, the house parents agreed to have me in their home with the understanding that I would be gone several hours a day to teach the fitness class. I believe living it out this plan is difficult for them because they are used to a missionary working with them all day long (7:30am-7:10pm). That isn't the reality they have with me working with them.
Regardless of the root of my guilt or the problems the houseparents may have with my work schedule, I would appreciate your prayers for God to intervene.

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